Skipper's Log
by Neo Pryde
Summary: Commander Isabel "Novabella" Shepard of the Cerberus Space Vessel Normandy (SR-2) records a log of her experiences surrounding the Collectors' incident in 2185.
1. Entry I - January 22: Welcome Aboard

Skipper's Log – Cerberus Space Vehicle _**Normandy**_ (SR-2)  
_Commander Isabel "Novabella" Shepard_

January 22, 2185 –

I hate working for Cerberus, no matter how necessary it may be. After everything that happened before the Battle of the Citadel, I don't trust them one bit. The Illusive Man says that he has humanity's best interests at heart, but I've seen what Cerberus is capable of. I haven't forgiven them for the experiments they performed with the Rachni and the Thorian creepers. The Husks on Chasca. Corporal Toombs and Akuze. Admiral Kahoku. They may have brought me back, but that doesn't let them off the hook. Not in my book. One right doesn't make up for all their wrongs. Once this is all over, I'll make the Illusive Man pay for Cerberus's crimes. Until then, I'll put on a smile and play nice with Cerberus. But I won't be their puppet.

Although I wish the circumstances were different, I have to say that it's good to be back in space, back on a ship.

Back on the Normandy.

Like Dr. Chakwas, I've spent my whole life sailing in the black. Life's just not the same without the dull humming of the ship's engines to help lull you to sleep at night. I really sympathized with Tali when we served together on the old Normandy. I know just how she felt. This is what happens when you spend most of your life aboard starships.

Tali...

I miss having Tali aboard. Seeing her on Freedom's Progress really hit home just how far apart the old crew is now - and just how much has happened since my death. Some of the old hands came aboard to Cerberus, such as Joker and Dr. Chakwas. While I'm happy to have them on the new Normandy, having just those two aboard feels like I've just gone to my first academy reunion fifty years too late: there's too many people missing, too many ghosts amidst all the unfamiliar faces.

I may have been jumping from ship to ship since I was a little girl, and I've certainly been with a fairly diverse range of crews - both good and bad - during my days in the service, but Normandy was different. She was the best ship in the fleet with the best crew a captain could ask for. And she was _mine_, my first. A little after my dad took command of the Agincourt, he told me that your first command will hold a special place in your heart, even after you move on to newer, "better" ships in your career. After all, it's more than the ship that makes the command: it's the people too. Even without her fancy systems, the Normandy was a special ship, and her crew was like family to me. Seeing the Normandy in pieces on Alchera hurt a lot - more than I've let on to anyone.

After Elysium, I swore that I wouldn't lose another soldier in my command, and I lost twenty at Alchera. I know there wasn't anything more I could have done for the ship or for the crew, and beating myself up over it isn't going to bring the dead back from their graves. All I can do now is to remember the sacrifice they made while striving to do better, just as I did for Ash after Virmire, just as I always have. I'll fight the Reapers and I'll beat them - not just for humanity, and not just for me, but so that the whole galaxy doesn't have to go through what I did. There won't be another Elysium, another Virmire, or another Alchera. Not if I can help it.

The people that Cerberus has given me with the SR2 seem competent enough, but they aren't Alliance and they definitely aren't military (with a few exceptions). Mr. Jacob Taylor is one of those few. Jacob used to be with the Alliance for five years before joining with Cerberus. He distrusts Cerberus as much as I do, despite working with them. I hate to say it, but with a man like Jacob on my side, I might be able to tolerate working with Cerberus.

My "XO," Cerberus Operative Miranda Lawson - the woman responsible for my resurrection - seems like a decent person, once you cut through her frosty exterior. She was rather short with me when we first "met," but a few days on the Normandy seems to have helped thaw the Ice Queen. Although she's started to open up to me, she trusts the Illusive Man implicitly. She may take my orders, but she's made it clear her loyalties lie firmly with Cerberus - same with Jacob too, despite the doubts he's expressed. No matter how much I may like them, these people were my enemy not too long ago. Hell, I spent as much time fighting Cerberus as I did fighting Saren and the Reapers.

Because of that, I'm not going to be letting my guard down anytime soon. The Normandy SR-2 is a fine ship. Maybe even a little cozy. But I can't shake the feeling that this is all too good to be true. I feel like I'm staring down the mouth of a temperamental gift horse. Sooner or later, it's gonna kick me hard in the chest - once we finish with the Collector's, I imagine, though it could come whenever, knowing Cerberus. And when that time comes, I'm going to be ready.


	2. Entry II - January 24: A Fresh Start

Skipper's Log – Cerberus Space Vehicle _**Normandy**_ (SR-2)  
_Commander Isabel "Novabella" Shepard_

January 24, 2185 –

Two days after the Freedom's Progress incident.

We just received our first set of "orders" from Cerberus Command in the wake of the wholesale abduction of Freedom's Progress by the Collectors. The Illusive Man calls the orders "guidelines and advice," but I see right through his nice smile and warm demeanor. The Illusive Man wants me to think that I'm calling the shots, but he sees himself as the one who is really running everything. He's been surrounding me with people that will shepherd me along his chosen path. Fortunately, I have a means to retaliate - his orders.

He's tasked me with building a team of the galaxy's most capable scientists, soldiers, and special agents so that we can take down the Collectors. Freedom's Progress wasn't the beginning. Dozens of other colonies have gone missing - tens of thousands of innocents have been abducted for who-knows-what purpose. We both suspect that it has something to do with the Reapers, but I'm not sure yet how this all fits into their plan.

I wanted to bring in my old team for this mission, but the Illusive Man says they're "unavailable." I thought he was stringing me along, but a quick chat with Joker confirmed his story. They've all gone their separate ways. My death tore them all apart. Without me, they had nothing keeping them together. They're all gone now: Kaidan, Garrus, Tali, Wrex.

Liara.

I can't really blame them for moving on with their lives - I was dead after all, and most people don't get a second chance like I did - but it still stings to lose them. Especially Liara. She and I were... close. I haven't let anyone inside as much as I let her. I guess it was her naiveté that drew me in. She has an innocence about her - an overly optimistic outlook about the world. She thinks that she's weak because of it and I think she's wrong. It's one of her defining characteristics (along with her boundless curiosity) and she's a better person because of it.

I hope she never loses it.

I see much of myself in her, at least, much of what I used to be before I took on the weight of command. Publicly, I've always tried to keep a bright outlook for the crew. It's my duty as their captain to keep up their hopes. No task is too small, no mission too impossible for us to tackle.

That's at least what I keep telling them.

Privately, I'm much more jaded than I appear. My head is brimming full of doubts. Dying hasn't done much to take the chip out of my glass either. It's a heavy burden that I've been asked to bear. But I'll carry the torch that's been handed to me and I'll hold it up high for all the galaxy to see.

Because no one else will carry it for me.

So it's time to start over. I miss my old crew, my old ship terribly (it was awful seeing the state the old girl was in on Alchera - I'll write about that in a separate entry). But I can't keep my heart grounded in the past. The Illusive Man is right about one thing: the Collector threat is real, and I'm the only one who can stop them. The Alliance and the Council are too busy dealing with their own affairs. I hate doing it, but I have to play the Illusive Man's game. But I'll be playing by my terms, starting with my team. I'll turn this ship from being a Cerberus vessel to a ship that's my own. I know Joker and Dr. Chakwas are behind me. With every new member I add to the team, with every step I'll take, I'll bring the rest of the crew in line too.

The _Normandy_ isn't mine yet, but she will be _again._

Starting with Omega.


End file.
